A dwindling of hope

Jun 28, 2013

So I sat here and debated whether or not to smoke. Eventually I caved. It feels like more than giving up to nicotine but giving up to being such a nice guy. More than that. It’s giving up on the idea of being kind and loving to everyone. They don’t deserve it. And it opens me up to being hurt. Over and over. I’m getting off this fucking treadmill. I’m giving up the spiritual climb, the quest to make the world a better place. The vast majority of the people in my world aren’t ready. And I’ve lost my will to encourage people to change. I give up. I’m choosing to return to selfishness. Selflessness is a trap that invites people to take advantage of me. Everyone. I willfully and willingly surrender to my ego, to my humanity, to the ways of the world. I choose to fit in and... Read More »

Controlling the Universe

Jun 2, 2013

I wonder at times like this if there’s something in me that’s creating the drama and chaos I experience. Do I really crave drama? Is this tension and stress something I enjoy? Is the world truly a reflection of my inner thoughts and feelings?

What are you feeling?


What’s beneath that?


Fear of what?

Lots of things. Fear of not having enough money. Fear of not realizing my dreams. Fear of not being good enough.

What’s beneath that?

A general feeling of unworthiness.

And what’s beneath the unworthiness?

A resistance to make the choice to trust more.

Do you want to trust more?

I don’t know; that would require releasing my illusion of control.

How’s that working for you, your controlling the universe?

It’s a big job; it’s exhausting. It’s keeping me from feeling free to express the real me.

Were you to express the real you, what would happen?

I don’t know. Some of the people I care about might get scared and... Read More »

Chasing Happiness

Apr 4, 2013

Happiness. What is it?

Abe Lincoln said that “most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” There’s some truth in this statement. Happiness is, in part, the result of choosing to be happy.

But beyond choice, what makes us happy? The sources and causes of happiness vary somewhat for all of us. A song can make us happy. A fulfilling relationship can make us happy. Living according to our purpose can make us happy. Chocolate can make us happy. Or fine wine. Or pleasant conversation. All these things and more can contribute to our feeling happy.

But not always. Sometimes being in happy situations doesn’t cause happiness. Sometimes external sources are not enough.

Beyond choice, beyond the external, beneath every cause, there’s an internal happiness. Or a lack of that happiness.

What then is the source of internal happiness, the sort of the contentment that persists, that doesn’t falter... Read More »

Seven Steps to Enlightenment

Jan 6, 2013

1. Open your mind - I must be teachable to learn. I must learn to become willing to see that there is something beyond my view. If I believe I know, I will not seek.

2. Accept your imperfection - If I listen to my ego, I will believe I need not change; I need to see clearly my need to change by seeing clearly that I have not yet arrived at perfection.

3. Embrace your perfection - If I look too closely at my imperfections, I risk dwelling in the mire of shame and self-condemnation. I must reverently accept myself where I am. I must start where I am. Not where I think I ought to be, nor where you think I ought to be. I am here; I am now. This is where my journey begins. This is the perfect place for me to start to learn and grow.

4. Love... Read More »

The Power of Fuck You

Dec 13, 2012

I know you want to say it. Just like I do. Not every day, to be sure. And not every moment of even the worst days. But it’s there. It’s in all of us. The anger that’s a natural and healthy reaction to being hurt.

Sometimes it’s little things. An aggressive driver. An annoying spam email message received. A client being pedantic and patronizing and under-appreciative. Spilling coffee on your pristine shirt on the way to work. An overbearing boss, or significant other, or parent, or child, or friend.

We recognize, sometimes in the same instant as the anxiety-provoking cause, sometimes hours or days later, that it’s really, in the grand scheme of things, not a big deal. There are no big deals, says one old axiom.

And yet, the anger is real. We strive to not let it get to us. We strive to forgive and forget. We want to believe we... Read More »

Skyler and River (1) - a chance meeting

Dec 8, 2012

Skyler looked at the October sky, gray, ominous, matching Skyler's mood. This morning didn't feel much like a day for collecting nuts, climbing trees, doing the things squirrels did best. Deciding instead to go for a walk, Skyler wandered into the Dark Wood.

Not sure how much time had passed, Skyler noticed the clouds growing darker. There was a tree, an oak, nearly a hundred years old by the looks of it, offering shelter. Skyler would find a place, not too high off the ground, to be sheltered from the storm.

A blue jay surprised Skyler just as the perfect spot came into view. Not really in the mood for company, but less in the mood for a wet and muddy tail, Skyler decided to risk sharing the opening between the two massive limbs with the jay.

The wise old jay, magnificent in both color and presence, spoke. “Hello Skyler. Welcome.”

“Hello.” Skyler replied.

“You've... Read More »

Ignorance is bliss...

Nov 24, 2012

It's sadly ironic that so many of us think that we can think our way to enlightenment.

Sure, enlightenment requires some thought. But it also requires a willingness to release the thoughts that hold us back. Enlightenment is realized when we surrender our desperate need to understand.

Which thoughts hold us back? Most of them. Any thought attached to limits, to fear, to anger, to justification or rationalization. And that covers most all of our conscious thoughts. It's not our fault. It's a vicious cycle perpetuated from both sides of the spectrum.

Most people have no beliefs beyond those they can prove with their senses. They believe the sky is blue, chocolate is rich, sex is fulfilling, and that one plus one equals two. All these ideas are apparently true. But none of them are always true. The sky is blue only to we who have sight, only during daylight hours, only looking up from earth,... Read More »

Duality's Perfection

Nov 14, 2012

We are limited only by the limits which we set upon ourselves.

Most of us, instinctively and intuitively, know this to be true. That life is unlimited, but for the limits we set with our own thoughts.

But what does it mean, really? And why, knowing this to be true, do we still have difficulty manifesting our dreams?

Is it our duality, that we are both divine and human, that we are both infinite and finite? Is it the external limits set by others individually and those set by the common base of knowledge that governs us as a society? Or is it simply old experiences and illusions which, we think, necessarily predict our future outcomes?

I think it’s all three of these. And I think, further, as we accept these limiting factors in our thinking, that we can begin the process of transcending them and living closer to the boundless creatures we are... Read More »

The art of procrastination...

Oct 20, 2012

Procrastination is most prevalent in the practice of those things we hate and those we love.

I procrastinate most frequently with cleaning, accounting, and writing. Two things I hate, and one I love.

The cleaning and accounting don't bother me much. I don't care to leave a legacy that says "he kept a clean house" or "his books were in order." Both to me are quite uninspiring. And I do enough of... Read More »

One word, and then another...

Oct 19, 2012

One word.

And then another.

This is the cure for writers' block.

But it's a cure only for the symptoms.

The real solution is deeper. Much deeper.

Good writing flows from the heart; only an open heart flows.

The solution then, the cure, is to open the heart, to free the... Read More »

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